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Briefly.

Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?

Trivia #1: What former Red Sox outfielder is tied for the league lead in “caught stealing?”

Trivia #2: What is a female donkey called? – Jack, Jenny, Shirley, Jade, Karen

Trivia #3: Alex Ovechkin has the most points amongst Russian-born players in NHL history? Who is second? – Pavel Datsyuk, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Ilya Kovalchuk, Wayne Cashman

There have been 3 no-hitters in the majors this season and that doesn’t include Madison Bumgarner’s 7-inning effort. As analyst Tim Kurkjian noted, “…everyone throws 95+ and has at least one almost unhittable pitch…”

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are splitting up after 27 years of marriage. “… we ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life.” Ya, good luck with that. I read one article “Sources alleged to TMZ…”

The Red Sox Franchy Cordero, mired in a 0-25 slump, went 3-5 last night and made a great defensive play. Hey, work with me here.

Speaking of the Red Sox, I’m as optimistic as they get but let’s keep in mind that April was their most Fenway-friendly month on their calendar.

Speaking of the Bruins, they’ve won 5 of their last 6 and are looking good. Interesting goalie battle with Rask, Swayman and Halak.

Speaking of the Celtics, it is painful for me to watch. Is it coach Brad Stevens? I don’t know but their chances of advancing past the first round of the playoffs are bleak.

Bleak, good word.

Congratulations to local Pat “Baby Gronk” Freiermuth, the 6’5”, 251 lb. former Penn St. tight end who was drafted in the 2^nd round by the Steelers, 55^th overall. Freiermuth is from Merrimac MA, next town over.

Quote for the week: “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” – Winston Churchill

After a banner draft, coach Urban Meyer (not a fan) and the Jacksonville Jaguars yesterday fired four staffers who had a combined 66 years with the team.

Funny game, baseball. One of the game’s best hitter, the Detroit Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera was 0 for his last 23 (as of Wednesday) and has struck out at a 33.8 percent rate compared to his career 17.4% rate.

Really, I think both Bill and Melinda Gates will be just fine.

The Angels’ Shohei Ohtani is batting .273 with 10 homeruns, 24 RBI and 6 stolen bases. He is also 1-0 with 19 walks and 30 K’s in 18.2 innings. Stud.

An invisible man and invisible woman married. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: A female, sixth grade student opened fire at an Idaho middle school Thursday morning, wounding a custodian and two other students before being disarmed by a teacher and taken into custody. When I was in the 6^th grade all I thought about in my spare time was playing basketball at recess the next day.

50-year-old Phil “Lefty” Mickelson shot a 7-under par 64 yesterday to grab a 2-stroke lead in the Wells Fargo Championship. Stay tuned.

Speaking of wicked old guys, 41-year-old Albert Pujols has been cut by the Anaheim Angels. Pujols, fifth in major league history with 667 career homeruns and 13^th with 3,253 hits was batting .198 when he was cut.

Trivia #1 answer: What former Red Sox outfielder is tied for the league lead in “caught stealing?” – Andrew Benintendi (4)

Trivia #2 answer: What is a female donkey called? – Jack, Jenny, Shirley, Jade, Karen – Jenny

Trivia #3 answer: Alex Ovechkin has the most points amongst Russian-born players in NHL history? Who is second? – Pavel Datsyuk, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Ilya Kovalchuk, Wayne Cashman – Sergei Fedorov

Be careful out there.

“Guess I got what I deserved Kept you waiting there too long, my love All that time without a word Didn’t know you’d think that I’d forget or I’d regret The special love I had for you, my baby blue”

– Badfinger

Briefly.

People cheating on their taxes disgusts me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

Trivia #1: On Wednesday night, Jason Tatum and Jaylen Brown became just the 2^nd set of Celtics teammates, in a regular season game, where both players had >= 35 points, >= 7 rebounds and >= 4 assists. Who are the other two players?

Trivia #2: What does “Impfneid” mean?

Trivia #3: Which school is not in the top five of schools that have provided the most 1^st round NFL draft picks since 1980 – Florida State, Ohio State, Alabama, USC, Miami (FL), Florida

I’m not sure about you, but I can picture myself sitting next to Mel Kiper, turning and telling him to STFU.

I enjoyed the 1^st round of the NFL draft last night. ICYMI, the first three picks were quarterbacks, the Jags became the first team ever to select both a QB and RB (Trevor Lawrence and Travis Etienne) from the same school (Clemson) in the first round and “your New England Patriots” got the QB they seemingly wanted without having to move up. In Bill I trust!

Why does it seem as though every time that Jason Tatum touches the ball, he shoots? Why does it seem as though every time that Jaylen Brown touches the ball, he shoots? OK, not EVERY time but you get the picture.

Red Sox reliever Garrett Whitlock, plucked from the Yankees in the offseason via the Rule 5 Draft, has incredible “stuff” that just seems to be getting better. He throws a 95 mph sinker and an 83 mph changeup, big differential. Fun to watch.

The Red Sox’ new offseason acquisition Franchy Cordero has struck out 25 times in his 47 at-bats this season. In the 19 games where he has had an official at-bat, he has had at least one strike out in all but 3 of them.

Sex… and drugs… and rock n roll.

The Toronto Maple Leafs clinched a playoff spot. Already?!

Hmmm. Indonesian officials working to determine how a military submarine with 53 crew members sunk earlier this month during a training exercise said the vessel may have been hit by an internal solitary wave in the treacherous waters off  Bali.

Even when the shift (MLB) proves itself effective, I don’t like it.

In the Mets 1-0 loss to the Red Sox the other night, pitcher Jake deGrom tied Nolan Ryan for the most strikeouts (59) through his first five starts of a season. Poor Jake allowed one or fewer runs for the 33^rd time in his career, third this season, and still picked up the loss, most in the majors since he made his debut in 2014.

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and put their stuff where they can’t find it. Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger and their keys on the key hook.

In the last 100 Bruins games where Brad Marchand has scored a goal, the Bruins are 80-10-10. Let me add that Taylor Hall has scored 5 goals in his first 10 games with the Bruins. He had scored 5 goals in his previous 50 games.

Trivia #1 hint: The year was 1970

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Chicago is sending specially equipped buses into neighborhoods to deliver COVID-19 vaccines, Detroit is offering $50 to people who give others a ride to vaccination sites, and starting Monday will send workers to knock on every door  in the city to help residents sign up for shots. Other places around the U.S. are offering other incentives from free beer, pot and doughnuts, savings bonds and a chance to win an all-terrain vehicle.

Trivia #1 answer: On Wednesday night, Jason Tatum and Jaylen Brown became just the 2^nd set of Celtics teammates, in a regular season game, where both players had >= 35 points, >= 7 rebounds and >= 4 assists. Who are the other two players? – John Havlicek and Don Nelson on 2/25/70

Trivia #2 answer: What does “Impfneid” mean? – Impfneid means “vaccination envy” and is one of more than 1,200 words added to the German vocabulary during the pandemic.

Trivia #3 answer: Which school is not in the top five of schools that have provided the most 1^st round NFL draft picks since 1980 – Florida State, Ohio State, Alabama, USC, Miami (FL), Florida – Florida State (#6)

Be careful out there.

“In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew around the sun
All the stars above who died came from
Somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me

Green grass and high tides forever”

– Outlaws

Briefly.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes a seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

Trivia #1: Who is the only player in Red Sox’ history to hit for the cycle twice?

Trivia #2: What unique career statistic does the NBA’s Manute Bol have? He is the only player with such a statistic.

A win for the good guys: A suspected poacher was trampled to death by  herd of elephants in South Africa over the weekend.

Belated congratulations to the UMASS men’s hockey team for their 5-0 win in the NCAA hockey final.

Message to the NBA/MLB, just play the games!!! Really, do these guys need a night off to rest?! Incredible!

That landscaping contract at Augusta National must be a lucrative gig, huh?

Article I’ll skip: “Michigan woman glues eye shut after mistaking nail glue for eye drops“

Good news: (well, good news for some, I guess) – “Swimwear” and lingerie brand “Pour Moi” recently released two sunbathing guides – one for the world and one for the U.S. – to help people decide which countries and states allow nude or topless sunbathing.

If you say something is “heavenly”, just what are you saying? How do you know??

Anytime you set a mark for a storied franchise, in any sport, it is a “claim-to-fame.” Last Friday, the Celtics’ Jaylen Brown became the first player in franchise history to score at least 40 points while shooting at least 85% from the field.

In 2014, the World Health Organization’s alcohol expert, Dr. Kari Poikolainen, stated that drinking only becomes harmful if you consume more than 13 units per day. To put that in perspective, a bottle of wine contains about 10 units. Just sayin’.

Useless information supposed to fire my/your imagination: The University of Notre Dame and Indiana University have announced plans for a home-and-home series with their respective footballs teams in 2030 and 2031.

Useless information supposed to fire my/your imagination, part deux: Dogs can sniff out SARS-CoV-2 in urine samples with 96% accuracy, according to a proof-of-concept study.

I think one of the most underrated statistics in professional sports is “runs scored” in baseball. There’s just not enough credit given for it.

I think I’m past that age where I’ll work out in front of a mirror.

Guy #1: “Hey, she’s not exactly a looker, but I hear she’s a great kid.” Guy #2: “Not a looker true, but I hear she’s got great spin rate!”

Stewart Cink, last weekend’s winner of PGA’s RBC Heritage, is such a classy guy. The 47-year old was not only humble in his post-round interviews, but he had his son Reagan, his caddy, at his side at all times.

“He/she is as dumb as a bag of rocks!” Great saying I think, but really, in many cases it is a compliment for some people, and often a great disservice to a bag of rocks.

For us locals, the Sox, Bruins and Celtics have all been on a roll. Last night it was the Red Sox though that prevented the Boston, Thursday night sweep.

Quote for the week: “Every child is one caring adult away from being a success story.” – Josh Shipp

Maybe, probably, I haven’t been paying attention but why aren’t they posting scores from around MLB on the Green Monster? Covid??

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: The Gwinnett County Board of Education, GA, is still requiring kids to wear masks in school. As one parent put it: “Enforcing 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9-year old children to wear masks for seven hours a day, every day for the past nine months… is not in their best interest.”

R.I.P. HRH The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (99) – arguably the world’s most famous husband, he spent seven decades in the shadow of his wife, the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II, but in turn won widespread respect for his steadfast and constant support of her.

R.I.P. – Bill LaPierre (59) – HHS Class of ’80. Billy was a great guy!

Trivia #1 answer: Who is the only player in Red Sox’ history to hit for the cycle twice? – Brock Holt (2015, 2018)

Trivia #2 answer: What unique career statistic does the NBA’s Manute Bol have? He is the only player with such a statistic.  – He finished his career with more blocked shots than points scored.

Be careful out there.

“Baby, I’m a man, maybe I’m a lonely man
Who’s in the middle of something
That he doesn’t really understand

Baby, I’m a man
And maybe you’re the only woman who could ever help me
Baby, won’t you help me understand?”

– Paul McCartney

Briefly.

Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

Trivia #1: Rafael Devers became the 19^th Red Sox with homeruns in four straight games. Which of the following players is not on that list? – Jason Bay, David Ortiz, Ted Williams, Jose Canseco, Carl Everett, Jim Rice, Mo Vaughn, Carl Yastrzemski

Trivia #2: Which of the following was not in attendance at last weekend’s Masters tournament? – Dwayne Wade, Travis Kelce, Nick Saban, Matt Ryan, Mitch Trubisky, Peyton Manning, Justin Timberlake

Xander Schauffele was right there, on the cusp of catching Hideki Matsuyama for the lead in The Masters last weekend. Then, he just came up short… DOH! He later gave a very good interview, no excuses.

Good news: The mask mandate in New Hampshire has been lifted!

Good news, part deux: Kenneth Smith, homeless at the time, was sitting in a chair outside an Outback Steakhouse in Fort Worth, TX when a customer approached him and gave him a $100 gift card so he could buy dinner. While he was eating, Smith met the restaurant’s managing partner who told him she wanted to make sure he always had somewhere to go for a warm meal. Months later he asked for a job and is now bussing tables there.

Useless information supposed to fire my/your imagination: Parts of the northeast could see a foot of snow.

You heroes out there not getting the vaccine. I understand you have your reasons, not that I understand the your reasons, but you are just not helping…

Boston Bruins’ goalies. Talk about next man up! Just sway…. Man!

A South Carolina hunter killed a monster, 12 foot long, 445 pound gator, brought it to a taxidermist who then found 5 dog tags, 1 bullet jacket, 1 spark plug, load of turtle shells and several bobcat claws inside.

Look, I love Julian Edelman. He is not a Hall-of-Famer. We, New England Patriot fans, know what he has meant to the franchise and how valuable he has been, but he is not deserving of the HOF.

Article I won’t read: David Hasselhoff’s daughter becomes first curve model on European Playboy cover.

When you think about how huge the earth is, and how the earth is just a tiny ball orbiting the sun, which is in turn a miniscule spec in the universe, it’s pretty easy to rationalize drinking that 12-pack and eating that bacon double cheeseburger.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: The torch relay for the Tokyo Olympics ran through a mostly empty Osaka city park on Tuesday.

R.I.P. (or not) – Bernie Madoff (82) – the onetime senior statesman of Wall Street who in 2008 became the human face of an era of financial misdeeds and missteps for running the largest and possibly most devastating Ponzi scheme in financial history, died Wednesday in a federal prison hospital. We was serving a 150-year sentence. Paper losses from the Ponzi scheme totaled $64.8 billion.

Trivia #1 answer: Rafael Devers became the 19^th Red Sox with homeruns in four straight games. Which of the following players is not on that list? – Jason Bay, David Ortiz, Ted Williams, Jose Canseco, Carl Everett, Jim Rice, Mo Vaughn, Carl Yastrzemski – David Ortiz

Trivia #2 answer: Which of the following was not in attendance at last weekend’s Masters tournament? – Dwayne Wade, Travis Kelce, Nick Saban, Matt Ryan, Mitch Trubisky, Peyton Manning, Justin Timberlake – Matt Ryan

Be careful out there.

“I know she told you,
Honey I know she told you that she loved you
Much more than I did,
But all I know is that she left you,
And you swear that you just don’t know why,
But you know, honey I’ll always,
I’ll always be around if you ever want me
Come on and cry, cry baby, cry baby, cry baby,
Oh honey, welcome back home.”

– Janice Joplin (written by Bert Berns)

Briefly.

Today’s math problem: If Charlie is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does Charlie have?

Trivia #1: What game is sometimes called “Roshambo?”

Trivia #2: The Masters Tournament was originally called the “Augusta National Invitational.” What year did the name change? – 1924, 1932, 1939, 1941, 1955, 1968, 2019
Trivia #3: Who has made the most cuts at the Masters? Bonus: How many cuts? – Tom Watson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Billy Casper, Tiger Woods, Ben Crenshaw, Lee Trevino, Dane Hubbard

Xander Schauffele shot even par yesterday and stands tied for 13^th place in the Masters, 8 shots behind leader Justin Rose. What I’m saying is, he has a chance!

Good news: Chip Hawthorne, 6^th generation Floridian, is riding his lawn mower 130 miles to raise money for Habitat for Humanity in what is being dubbed the “Mowathon.” Escorted by law enforcement, Hawthorne took off from Winter Garden, FL at 6 a.m. on Thursday and expected to reach the Gulf of Mexico around 8 p.m. next Thursday while averaging about 10 mph.

Useless information supposed to fire my/your imagination: Tickets to practice rounds at the Masters are $75 while tickets to the tournament are $115.

So Baylor goes up 9-0 on previously undefeated Gonzaga and goes on to beat them and win the NCAA men’s Championship in a game that arguably was never in question. Arguably.

Speaking of Baylor, they did not commit a turnover in the championship game until 7 minutes (or so) into the second half. That, my friends, will win basketball games.

Professional basketball frustrates me. (you may have noticed) What really burns me is how lazy so many players are when running the pick-n-roll. One player usually attempts to set a pick but laziness makes the pick useless, and when a decent pick is actually set the other player involved rarely uses the pick. If you want to argue this point please buy me a beer first.

Have you ever noticed that people won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend 15 minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?

Boston sports fans, suck it up! We’ve had a good run. The Patriots were awful last season, by our standards, the Bruins and Celtics have been struggling and the Red Sox are not expected to have much of a season. Get over it!

Speaking of the Red Sox, after their 0-3 start they won 4 in a row. That’s called a “winning streak.” They scored a total of 5 runs in the first three games and have averaged 8.25 runs per game since. BTW, their losing the first three games at Fenway was their worst start at home in 73 years.

San Diego Padres’ star  Fernando Tati Jr. suffered a partially dislocated shoulder on a big swing Monday night. For the record, he struck out on the pitch.

Maybe it’s just me but I would say the worst hat in movie history is the worn by Forrest Gump Jr. when he first meets his Daddy.

Article: “David Wells had this to say about MLB moving the All-Star game out of Atlanta” Ya, I’m interested in what David Wells says. Not!

Quote for the week: “…I’m gonna go back and get a Caesar salad with croutons and all this shit, right, and go ahead and take me a nice, fat shit and get my stomach all right and everything…” – Marshawn Lynch during a live broadcast of a Fan Controlled Football game. Really.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: High-profile dog expert Cesar Milan, known for the Emmy-nominated television series “Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan” is speaking out about what he believes is really causing President’s Biden’s dog Major to act out after reportedly biting two people at the White House in recent weeks. Milan described the White House environment as “a place full of tension” and that the problem doesn’t lie with Major, but with the situation and people the dog is surrounded by. (I guess this is comparable to arguing that pitbulls are really good dogs)

I can’t complain but sometimes I still do…

Trivia #1 answer: What game is sometimes called “Roshambo?” – The hand-game, “Rock paper scissors”

Trivia #2 answer: The Masters Tournament was originally called the “Augusta National Invitational.” What year did the name change? – 1924, 1932, 1939, 1941, 1955, 1968, 2019 – The present name was adopted in 1939

Trivia #3 answer: Who has made the most cuts at the Masters? Bonus: How many cuts? – Tom Watson, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Billy Casper, Tiger Woods, Ben Crenshaw, Lee Trevino, Dane Hubbard – Jack Nicklaus (37)

Be careful out there.

“Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you?
Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back?
I’d gladly do it, ‘cause

I don’t want to fade away
Give me one more day, please
I don’t want to fade away
In your heart I want to say”

– Derek and The Dominos

Briefly.

I got a book the other day titled, “A Guide to Surgical Procedures.” I opened it up and the appendix was missing…

Trivia #1: Which of the following players did not finish in the top 10 in last November’s 2020 Masters tournament? – Cameron Smith, Mark Leishman, Rory McIlroy, Patrick Reed, Justin Thomas, Dustin Johnson, C.T. Pan

Trivia #2: Who is Jean Dolores Schmidt?

Trivia #3: What United States city hosts the Findley Market Day parade which marks the start of the major league baseball season, as well as the start of spring? – Cleveland, Oakland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Chicago, Houston

The Yankees are winless. Just sayin’.

The Masters kicks off next Thursday, April 8, right on schedule! The winner? How about Xander Schauffele?

Unfortunately, it is here to stay. What? Extra innings in MLB will start with a runner on second base. With an instant rally in place, viewership on MLB.tv of extra innings as much as doubled in 2020 compared to 2016-19, according to MLB figures. Also, extra inning games ended in the 10^th inning 69% percent of the time last year, up from 46% in 2017-19.

Good news: In local good news, the Haverhill Exchange Club, in collaboration with the City of Haverhill, is planning something special for this Memorial Day, when it unveils throughout the downtown and on the Basiliere and Comeau bridges honoring veterans and people currently serving in the military. The 2×4 foot banners are very well constructed, I think, and the initiative is something that communities across the country are using to showcase their support for the brave men and women who have served and serve their country and local communities.

The NFL will play one fewer exhibition game from now on, good. It will also play a 17-game, regular season schedule, good (I think??)

Quote for the week: “When you practice intuitive eating, one of three things can happen: Your weight can go up, it can go down or it can stay the same” Valery Kallen, a registered dietitian and founder of Nourished Nutrition Therapy.  

Quote for the week, part deux: “Pretty good move for a guy the size of a Coke machine.” – Celtics’ play-by-play announcer, Mike Gorman on Zion Williamson

In his last three Opening Day games, the Red Sox’ new leadoff hitter, Kiki Hernandez has gone 6 for 10 with three homers and three walks.

Speaking of the Red Sox, how about 90 wins this season?

Remember: When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so that it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

It was 50 years ago yesterday that the Rolling Stones (the World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band) announced the new Rolling Stones record label as well as their iconic logo.

April Fools?? Now there are pranks and there is sheer stupidity. A 57-year old woman will be charged with disrupting public service and inducing a panic for calling her sister yesterday and saying something to the effect that a guy had been fired the day before and had come back to the office with a gun. She said everyone was hiding in a locked office and to call police. Well, she did call 911 and you can take it from there.

Fishing records are being broken in multiple states in record numbers. Jacob Bernhardt caught a 20.1 inch, 3.42 pound longnose sucker from the Missouri River in Montana. That is the 5^th fishing record broken in Montana in less than a year. Last year in Idaho, more than two dozen catch and release records were reported.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Doubleheaders in MLB will be played with each game lasting only 7 innings, barring extras.

R.I.P. – G. Gordon Liddy (90) – A former FBI agent and Army veteran, was convicted of conspiracy, burglary and illegal wiretapping for his role in the Watergate burglary, which led to the resignation of President Richard Nixon.

Trivia #1 answer: Which of the following players did not finish in the top 10 in last November’s 2020 Masters tournament? – Cameron Smith, Mark Leishman, Rory McIlroy, Patrick Reed, Justin Thomas, Dustin Johnson, C.T. Pan – Mark Leishman (13^th)

Trivia #2 answer: Who is Jean Dolores Schmidt? – She is Sister Jean, the 101-year old nun and team chaplain and #1 fan of the Loyola-Chicago men’s basketball team

Trivia #3: What United States city hosts the Findley Market Day parade which marks the start of the major league baseball season, as well as the start of spring? – Cleveland, Oakland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Chicago, Houston – Cincinnati

Be careful out there and “Play Ball!”

“Time can tear down a building or destroy a woman’s face
Hours are like diamonds, don’t let them waste
Time waits for no one, no favours has he
Time waits for no one, and it won’t wait for me”

– The Rolling Stones

Briefly.

I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell “orange” and you asked me the fruit or the color it kinda caught me off guard.

Trivia #1: What is Arachibutyrophobia?

Trivia #2: Oklahoma men’s basketball coach Lon Kruger is retiring after 45 years of coaching, the past 10 with Oklahoma. He finished with a career record of 674-432 and is considered one of the most underrated coaches of all-time time. Kruger is just one of three coaches to lead five different programs to the NCAA tournament. Name the other two coaches.

Trivia #3: The Lakers’ legend Elgin Baylor is 36^th on the all-time NBA/ABA scoring leaderboard. When he retired in 1972 he was then #3 behind what two players?

Great to see fans at the Boston Garden last night, albeit only a fraction of capacity. The Bruins responded with a spirited(?) effort only to lose in OT. The B’s are struggling but things could be worse. (see the next line…)

Last night the NHL’s Buffalo Sabres fell to the Pittsburgh Penguins 4-0, dropping their record to 6-22-4. Buffalo’s current 16 winless streak is the 4^th longest in NHL history. Up next for the Sabres… the Bruins tomorrow afternoon. Stay tuned.

Good news: Hmmm. The snow is melting here in the northeast??

Abilene Christian University president Phil Shubert said the school is up $120 million-plus thanks to their NCAA men’s basketball tournament run which included a first round upset of Texas. The article does not clarify where the revenue streamed from.

I’m a Bruins fan and a Celtics fan and try to catch both when I can. These days, on nights when neither is playing, when it comes to sporting events I can’t bring myself to watch the NBA and am often hard-pressed to watch the NHL. Just sayin’.

Quote for the week: “He might be the greatest player I ever saw. He was doing things that Dr. Julius Erving made famous 20 years later, hang time and so forth. But Elgin didn’t have TV exposure. Nobody did in those days.” – Legendary Lakers’ play-by-play man Chick Hearn regarding recently deceased Elgin Baylor.

Article I’ll skip: Meghan Markle, Prince Henry’s tell-all interview ‘did bother’ Prince Albert II of Monaco.

The Celtics acquired guard Evan Fournier from Orlando. A move to make a move?? I don’t get it. I didn’t see the need for another guard. Hey, what do I know?? I’m sure Marcus Smart is thrilled!

Wanna get away? – How about the person ultimately responsible for the giant container ship that has been run aground since Tuesday, blocking the East-West waterway of Egypt’s Suez Canal. Around 10% of world trade flows through the canal, which is particularly crucial for the transport of oil.

In Olympic news… the summer games are set to begin July 23 in Tokyo. That’s in Japan. On Saturday, Tokyo Olympic organizers and the IOC announced a ban on fans from abroad attending the games.

If only snooze minutes were as long as a microwave minute.

Next Thursday, April 1^st, is MLB Opening Day. The world will be right, again.

Carter Kerr was born at Cape Canaveral Hospital on March 21 (3/21) at 3:21 p.m. in the 321 area code. If that’s not enough, the newborn baby’s room looks out over Florida’s Space Coast, where people can view rocket launches after the “3-2-1” countdown. (is that last part a reach??)

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Miller Light, the Molson Coors subsidiary, is selling three signature candles to celebrate the reopening of restaurants and bars across the U.S. and Canada. The trio of scents – “Dive Bar”, “Beer Garden” and “Game Day” aromas get the buzz going for the future – will also pay it forward for a good cause.

R.I.P. – John “Johnny I” Ianazzo (61) – Local great guy who will be missed.

Trivia #1 answer: What is Arachibutyrophobia? – The fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth

Trivia #2 answer: Oklahoma’s men’s basketball coach Lon Kruger is retiring after 45 years of coaching, the past 10 with Oklahoma. He finished with a career record of 674-432 and is considered one of the most underrated coaches of all-time time. Kruger is just one of three coaches to lead five different programs to the NCAA tournament. Name the other two coaches. – Rick Pitino and Tubby Smith

Trivia #3: The Lakers’ legend Elgin Baylor is 36^th on the all-time NBA/ABA scoring leaderboard. When he retired in 1972 he was then #3 behind what two players? – Wilt Chamberlain and Oscar Robertson

Be careful out there.“Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration
Mr. Blue Sky’s up there waitin’
And today
Is the day we’ve waited for
Ooorrr

Oh, Mr. Blue Sky
Please tell us why
You had to hide away
For so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?”

– Electric Light Orchestra

Briefly.

Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.

Trivia #1: When was the last time both the Notre Dame men’s and women’s basketball teams failed to qualify for the NCAA basketball tournament?

Trivia #2: When was the last time both the Duke University men’s and women’s basketball teams failed to qualify for the NCAA basketball tournament?

Trivia #3: After last night’s 4-1 win over the Buffalo Sabres, David Krejci moved into 8^th place all-time in points (702) for the Boston Bruins. Which two players are not in the top five? – Brad Marchand, Rick Middleton, Ray Bourque, Bobby Orr, Patrice Bergeron, Phil Esposito

Trivia #4: Why are their two play-in games amongst 11^th seeded teams in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament?

Trivia #5: When was the last time the Duke men’s basketball team did not win 20+ games in a season? (they were 13-11 this year) – ’95-’96, -’01-’02, ’11-’12, ’87-’88, ’99-’00, ’78-‘79

So much for Michigan State’s men’s coach Tom Izzo leading the Spartans to the Final Four in my bracket!!! – Good thing the deadline is today at noon for entry.

Nearly 99% of NCAA men’s basketball games were played this past season. That’s pretty remarkable given the COVID-19 protocols.

The f*ckin’ Catalina Wine Mixer.

The last team left out of the men’s basketball tournament, Louisville, is on stand-by in case a team needs to drop due to COVID-19 protocols. Now, the chair of the tournament selection committee was Mitch Barnhart who happens to be the athletic director at Kentucky. Kentucky don’t like Louisville, go figure.

Good news: Traci Carter has done more than lead the University of Hartford to their first NCAA men’s basketball tournament appearance. Carter, a 24-year old graduate transfer, started The Anchors Camp after his brother was slain last summer in their hometown of Philadelphia. City kids travel to a farm near tiny Madison, New York, where they participate in traditional camp activities but also tour Colgate University to learn basic skills such as plumbing, electrical work, or how to cut hair.

Quote for the week: “Part of me wishes he was here so I could rub it in his face a little bit more.” – Justin Thomas referring to Tiger Woods last Sunday after Thomas had won the Players Championship.

Well that was quick! Last week we reported that Alex Ovechkin had scored his 715^th goal to move within two goals of Phil Esposito for 6^th all-time. Ovechkin now has 718.

The effort was there… I guess. Anastasia Hanson, 56, of California, started a GoFundMe page to pay off the mortgage on Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s $14.6 million California estate. After raising a measly $110, ($5 from her!) the page was shut down.

Tom Brady has given out what allegedly is his cell number. He said that sharing his number will be a tool to allow him to communicate more directly with fans and followers. Rule number one, “no texting on game days.” It is unclear whether a text to the number is actually delivered to Brady’s personal cell hone. I have not, and will not, text him, but for you – (415) 612-1737.

The “’Old ball-n-chain?” A Ukraine couple (28 and 33 years old) handcuffed themselves together on Valentine’s Day as a pledge to strengthen their on-again, off-again relationship. They have pledged to be handcuffed to each other for three months. Amongst other daily activities that takes getting used to, the couple say they take turns using the bathroom, their hand stretched inside.

So this is the time for “Legal Tampering” in the NFL. Gotta love that term!

Call me a homer, I am, but I have to laugh at the critics who think the New England Patriots will suck this season because teams that spend wildly on free agents typically don’t fair well. Now that’s sound reasoning!

Article I’ll skip: “Reason for A-Rod/J-Lo split revealed”

Nice resume, Mr. Hendrix. But, are you experienced?

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: A Fargo, North Dakota, man says he’s been receiving threatening letters from his condo association over complaints that his American flag is making too much noise on windy days.

R.I.P. Dick Hoyt (80) – Dick, of Sturbridge, MA, was a legend since the early 80’s pushing his son in his wheelchair through Boston Marathons, Hawaii’s Ironman Triathlon as well as running/biking across the country as part of a fundraiser. His son, Rick, suffered from cerebral palsy and is now in his 50’s. Dick once pushed Rick in under three hours in the Boston Marathon!

Trivia #1 answer: When was the last time both the Notre Dame men’s and women’s basketball teams failed to qualify for the NCAA basketball tournament? – 1995

Trivia #2 answer: When was the last time both the Duke University men’s and women’s basketball teams failed to qualify for the NCAA basketball tournament? – Never happened

Trivia #3 answer : After last night’s 4-1 win over the Buffalo Sabres, David Krejci moved into 8^th place all-time in points for the Boston Bruins. Which two players is not in the top five? – Brad Marchand, Rick Middleton, Ray Bourque, Bobby Orr, Patrice Bergeron, Phil Esposito – Brad Marchand and Bobby Orr

Trivia #4 answer: Why are their two play-in games amongst 11^th seeded teams in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament? – The four teams that play in the 11-seed play-in games are the last four “at-large” teams that qualify for the tournament, as opposed to the last four teams overall. Those four teams play in the 16-seed play-in games.

Trivia #5 answer: When was the last time the Duke Men’s basketball team did not win 20+ games in a season? (they were 13-11 this year) – ’95-’96, -’01-’02, ’11-’12, ’87-’88, ’99-’00, ’78-’79 – The answer is 1995-1996 (18-13)

Be careful out there and enjoy the games.

“Gimme the ball
I’ll go one-on-one against the world, left-handed
I could stuff it from center court with my toes
I could jump on top of the backboard,
Take off a quarter, leave fifteen cents change, I could,
I could dribble behind my back
I got more moves than Ex-Lax, I’m bad
I could dribble with my tongue
Here I go down the court, try to stop me
You can’t stop me ‘cause I got a Basketball Jones
Here I come, that’s my hook shot with my eyebrow
Yeah, I could dunk it with my nose
I’m, I’m bad as King Kong,
Gimme the ball. I’m hot, I’m hot as… I’m hot as… uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

Basketball Jones, I got a Basketball Jones, I got a Basketball Jones, Basketball Jones”

– Cheech and Chong (featuring Tyrone Shoelaces)

Briefly.

Remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Trivia #1: The Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin scored his 715^th career goal last night moving him two goals shy of 6^th place Phil Esposito (717). Who is #5 (731)?

Trivia #2: Last week we learned Cameron Champ has the longest drive on the PGA tour this season (424 yards). Champ is 4^th overall in average driving distance. Which two golfers are not ahead of him in the top 3? – Dustin Johnson, Rory McIlroy, Wyndham Clark, Bryson DeChambeau, Matthew Wolff

Trivia #3: What MLB player has the most career Opening Day hits? – Pete Rose, Ichiro Suzuki, Derek Jeter, Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr., Ted Williams, Willie Mays

DYK: Of the top 12 goal scorers of all-time, Alex Ovechkin is second with 262 PPG’s and dead last with only 4 SHG’s.

I hope you up here in the Northeast enjoyed yesterday’s 70 degree weather. The next day forecasted to be above 60 degrees is April 15.

Opening Day – 20 days away.

A true classic, I see that Geico is replaying an old commercial with Dikembe Mutombo blocking everything from trash being thrown at a trashcan to a box of cereal being thrown into a shopping cart. Great one!

It’s Madness, I tell you! March Madness!

Good news: A man was walking his 5-year German Shepard (Diesel) when the dog began to bark. The dog’s owner, who was wearing earbuds, knew something was up. He removed his earbuds and heard a man crying for help. A 22-year old man had fallen through the ice on a nearby pond. The dog owner called 911 and, along with another man, pulled the victim from the ice with a branch.

Are you filling out a bracket this year???

Since letting up 13 goals in back-to-back games two weeks ago, the Bruins have let up 7 goals in their past 6 games, shutting out the Rangers last night.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatness weakness?”
Me: “Honesty”
Interviewer: “I don’t think that honesty is a weakness.”
Me: “I don’t give a shit what you think.”

Be appreciative for what you have.

Quote for the week: “…And I feel terrible that I’m getting stopped, accosted, asking for passes, everybody in this building should know who the hell I am…” – Poor Patrick Ewing who was stopped by security in Madison Square Garden

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: In its latest update, Dictionary.com added hundreds of new words including two, “cromulent” and “embiggen”, both inspired by a 1996 episode of The Simpsons.

Kyrie Irving (40 points) came back to haunt the Celtics once again as the Brooklyn Nets beat up on the Celtics 121-109 last night. The Celtics need to make at least one move in order to hang with the Nets.

Trivia #1 answer: The Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin scored his 715^th career goal last night moving him two goals shy of 6^th place Phil Esposito (717). Who is #5 (731)? – Marcel Dionne (731)

Trivia #2 answer: Last week we learned Cameron Champ has the longest drive on the PGA tour this season (424 yards). Champ is 4^th overall in average driving distance. Which two golfers are not ahead of him in the top 3? – Dustin Johnson, Rory McIlroy, Wyndham Clark, Bryson DeChambeau, Matthew Wolff – Dustin Johnson and Matthew Wolff

Trivia #3: What MLB player has the most career Opening Day hits? – Pete Rose, Ichiro Suzuki, Derek Jeter, Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr., Ted Williams, Willie Mays – Pete Rose (31)

Be careful out there and have a Happy Selection Sunday!

“I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name”

– U2

Briefly.

Remember, the only thing standing between you and your dreams are your appearance, lack of talent and general personality.

Trivia #1: What two schools are not in the top five of NCAA men’s basketball tournament championships? – Kentucky, Duke, UCLA, Kansas, Indiana, UConn, North Carolina

Trivia #2: What school has the longest drought between appearances in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament? – Bowling Green, Toledo, Harvard, Yale, Rice, Brown, Dartmouth

Trivia #3: Who has the longest drive so far on the PGA tour? – Matt Jones, Cameron Champ, Dustin Johnson, Bryson DeChambeau, Connor Syme, Sergio Garcia

Baseball is starting, the NBA and NHL are in full swing, the Masters is just around the corner and NCAA men’s basketball is about to enter the conference championship season. What a great time for sports!

Did you hear about the guy whose young daughter needed to put on weight but she wasn’t eating/nursing? He made a “formula bong”, complete with funnel, and fed the baby frat-style. It worked! Brilliant!

What? You’re asking what the Red Sox’ 2021 schedule looks like? Opening Day is home, Thursday April 1 vs. Baltimore. April is their most home-friendly month with 16 games at Friendly Fenway. The month also includes their longest homestand at 10 games. They are on the road for 15 games in July with their longest road trip (9 games) running from July 30 thru August 8. Now, they don’t play the yankees until 57 games into the season, June 4 (35% into the schedule). They then go on to play them 19 times, at least twice in every remaining month and 8 times in July. Interleague games, not a fan, Mets, Philly, Atlanta, Miami and they end the season at Washington. All yawns.

Slovenian sensation Luka Doncic of the Dallas Mavericks, 22 yaers old, just had his rookie card sell for a cool $6 million. Averaging 28.5 points, 8.4 rebounds and 9 assists while shooting from the field (47.5%), three (35.15) and foul line (75.9) thru 31 games. I’ve heard him being compared to Larry Bird. He’s 22 years old.

I think you have had to attend an exhibition baseball game in warm weather to truly appreciate it. Baseball is back!

Good news: Volunteers for a California nonprofit that helps veterans and their families have finished building a wheelchair ramp for a disabled Coast Guard veteran who hadn’t left his home in two years.

For a handful of us, today is JBDD Day – John Belushi did not die day. On today’s date in 1982, Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose.

Quote for the week: “I was telling my wife, I had a root canal and my identity stolen last week and I think those were the two of my better days in the last eight days.” – Celtics’ coach Brad Stevens after the Celtics’ recent three-game losing streak amidst a 5-9 run. (The Celtics have just rebounded and won 4 in a row)

Quote for the week, part deux: “You’d get arrested these days for wearing shorts like that.” – Celtics’ commentator Mike Gorman after watching a clip of an 80’s Celtics team.

I hope I never get to the point where I need to workout in front of a mirror. I think, the older I get, the further I get from that.

The interviewer: “Can you perform under pressure?” Me: “No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The NBA Allstar break is upon us already. That was fast! Will anyone beat Steph Curry in the 3-point contest??

Speaking of the NBA… 4’2” Payton Pritchard of the Celtics (OK, he’s a little taller than that) is fun to watch. Quick as a cat he is a little gnat on defense.

And further speaking of the Red Sox… JBJ is gone, off to Milwaukee. Damn. Just two years ago the Sox had what was seen as the greatest outfield in baseball – young, talented, the sky was the limit. Now, not only has the outfield been broken up, but they are all gone – Betts, Benintendi, Bradley Jr. What a shame.

Tuukka/Halak – The hottest Bruins’ goalie combination in recent memory. I mean, do you ever say “Damn, Halak’s in net tonight?”

The Johnson & Johnson single-dose COVID-19 vaccine has been approved for use by the DFA. Great news! The vaccine was 72% efficacious in the U.S. while the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines had more than 90% efficacy. Now I understand there are some variants in those comparisons but I hope the J&J vaccine isn’t looked down upon for any reason. I can see pick-up games now: “OK, let me have all the Moderna’s over on this side and all the Pfizers over there. What kid, your Johnson & Johnson? OK, get out to right field, you’ll bat last.”

Speaking of hockey… I’m much to lazy to check for myself but is there a statistic for shots missed, as in missing the net? Now I understand some are missed on purpose for the sake of a tip-in or a rebound off the boards, but some guys just miss the net, period! There should be a stat.

Have you seen the pictures sent back from Mars by the probe Perseverance? Now look, I get it. It’s science, right? Looks to me like rocks and dust, but their telling me it’s a hole that was filled with water 3.5 billion years ago. Hmmm. There seems to be a lot of middle ground there.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Dr. Seuss’s books seem more popular than ever amid the controversy over a small selection of titles that will no longer be sold because they were deemed to have “Insensitive and racist imagery.”

I saw an ad the other day that read: “Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down!”

Trivia #1 answer: What two schools are not in the top five of NCAA men’s basketball tournament championships? – Kentucky, Duke, UCLA, Kansas, Indiana, UConn, North Carolina – Kansas & UConn

Trivia #2 answer: What school has the longest drought between appearances in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament? – Bowling Green, Toledo, Harvard, Yale, Rice, Brown, Dartmouth – Harvard (66 years – 1946-2012)

Trivia #3 answer: Who has the longest drive so far on the PGA tour? – Matt Jones, Cameron Champ, Dustin Johnson, Bryson DeChambeau, Connor Syme, Sergio Garcia – Cameron Champ (424 yards)

Be careful out there.

“Did you have any bad dreams, did you break any glass?
Would you be my companion, is there even a chance?
You been talkin’ in circles since I been able to cry
There’s never been any reason
For never tellin’ me why, yeah

Save my life, I’m going down for the last time
Woman with sweet lovin’ better than a white line
Save my life I’m goin’ down for the last time”

– Head East